I'm actually relieved that Dave told me today that he never loved me, he was just using me because he knew that I loved him enough that I would do anything for him without expecting anything in return. At least now I know that love isn't like that and inflicting that amount of pain on the person that you claim you once loved is not normal or acceptable under any circumstances. I know without a doubt that I am 100x better than him and equally better off without him, so it's nice to sort of break free from that. Now if only I could NOT get a million emails from him every day... that would be amazing. I put up with his shit for 2 years... we're over, so shouldn't I get some kind of reward for coming out of that alive instead of more shit for not being with him???

I need a 3.0 in my classes to stay in grad school, so I have managed to get a 3.0 cumulative exactly over the first 2 quarters. Go me.

Broke my own rule and went to Tabby's last night, as it's the only bar I feel comfortable going to alone and everyone was busy or out of town last night. Was hit on by 3 old men within the first hour. One who asked if he could kiss my "titty" for a beer. Ummm. That is a negative. Ended up spending most of the night talking to Wes, Chris and Shawna (who was bartending! Yay!) and getting hit on by this regular whose name I do not know... I didn't realize he was until about the 5th time he came up next to me to get a beer -- he said that he noticed that I'd been nursing my beers -- "You've been here for 4 hours and that's only your 6th beer." Hmmm. The bar was crowded, how did you know that?? I am bad at noticing these kinds of things... Chris had to fill me in on. I'm just usually nice to everyone up there, seeing as how it's usually the same group of people there every week, so I assume that's how everyone acts. Interesting.

Kristine is in town! Not sure if we're going to get to hang out tonight or not... Symmes Fest is tonight, but she's still hanging out with her grandparents and it's 8 now... I usually don't bother leaving my house after 9 on nights where I have to go to work the next day because it's typically not worth my time since I'll get there and have to turn around an hour later. If not, tattoos this week for sure... I think I'm going to get 8 stars sort of around the tattoo I already have on my back... one for each member of my family. Maybe... I need to research even more...

I need to go buy water bottles for this week... I need to go grocery shopping completely, but I'm really not in the mood at all. And knowing the way my life works, Kristine will call as soon as I'm in the store, so I'll have to ditch the cart and head out.

Have you ever noticed that some people are beautiful in such a way that you can't tell if it's because of something or despite of something in their appearance? Throws me off everytime.

Tomorrow I get to be the third wheel to a blind date. There's a new one. I'm used being without a significant other when I go out -- every time I've dated someone they've managed to have a schedule that completely disagreed with my lifestyle. The whole 8-5 does tend to put a damper on heading out at 11 and getting in around 4 on weeknights... and on weekends I'm just too old now to do that. Haha. Nor do I particularly want to at this point. Anyway, odds are that I will drink too much for a typical Thursday night to overcome the awkwardness. Unless someone wants to join me and make me the non-awkward third wheel... although at that point I guess we'd technically be a very even 4 wheels. Hmmm.

I went tanning twice this week. Not really sure why... I kept getting the chills today, so that explains today, I guess.

I really wish I was going down to Florida with my parents this weekend. I miss my sisters so much and I feel like I haven't really seen my parents in awhile either, even though I did get to hang out with mom last night. A lack of Les makes things feel odd. Haha.

I need to be looking for more tattoo ideas... I can't decide on anything for sure... I want "life is beautiful," but I can't decide where. Maybe lower back, off to the right side? Sort of around my hip... Hmmm. Potential. Kristine gets here in two days though, so time is almost up!

Mag & I were talking about how we have a hard time feeling bad when other people lose members of their extended family. Phew for not being on my own with this one, but then I realized today that I do feel really sad for people who break up with their boyfriend/girlfriend. Like REALLY sad for them. Not normal. Maybe because aside from my grandparents I've been pretty fortunate and haven't lost anyone close to me and break ups have been the hardest thing loss-wise that I've had to go through and I know exactly how much those suck? I guess for that I should be very grateful.

I attempted to start running again today. It's been awhile... as in years. And I was doing fine at the actual running process... not too out of breath and I was going strong, but my intense dislike for socks spoiled my plan and now the back of my feet are both raw and bleeding. So I will not be running for a few days... sticking with flip flop wearing walks for the next week or so. Damnit, I was so looking forward to being able to run again and having the time and the motivation -- because as much as I LOVE my tiny-dicked, fat ass, ugly fucking moronic ex-fiance calling referring to me as a "lazy eyed fat marshmellow" or whatever the fuck he keeps saying, I'd prefer to be in amazing shape the next time I have the misfortune of running into him -- so that I can kick him in his teeny tiny balls that much harder.

PS. Does anyone have any clue how I can get rid of the fucker for good? I have literally blocked him from EVERYTHING. I have cut off ties with the last mutual friend we had. And yet he still (quite unfortunately) continues to exist and think that his opinion matters in the world of people who are 100 times better than him. I should have taken my Marine friend up on his offer to off the fucker.

I'm getting drunk... damn quarter bottle of vodka on a Monday night... my feet hurt! I don't have aspirin so vodka seemed like the answer??? At least I stopped peeling and got to go tanning today so I'm finally almost all one color again (does that make me less of a marshmellow? I'm not pasty anymore... and if he had a problem with my size, he should have realized that 2 years ago and not started fucking me then... I haven't changed. Oh & I definitely do not have a lazy eye? I have checked. He definitely does have a VERY small penis -- I've also done the research required with that diagnosis. 3 inches fully erect does equal small, little David, sorry fucker).

My cats are terrified of storms like this. I love them. Especially getting stuck in them. It reminds me of working at King's Island -- the storms were always the best part because you got to close down the booth and hang out with whichever co-worker you were fortunate enough to be with that day. I remember seeking shelter in the Phantom Theater (back when it was still the Phantom Theater and not the Scooby Doo ride) during a particularly intense storm. So many amazing times. I loved that job. So glad that I had the opportunity to work there for so many years.

The kitten just ran out of the room. I opened the screen door, because the sound and smell of rain is amongst my favorite things in the world. Apparently not so for little Oliver Trouble. Haha.

The Hangover was hilarious. I'm glad I finally went to see it. I haven't gone to see a movie by myself in quite awhile and it's always been one of my favorite things to do. I need to do that more often.

Maggie made a good point. I need to keep things in perspective when Dave continues to send me harassing messages: he's just doing it to get to me. And it always does. But clearly he's the one who is still hung up on things. I'm done with it. I just want him out of my life completely and I don't think that's a whole lot to ask. So on the off-chance that anyone who reads this still hears from him and feels that it's necessary to pass any information on to me about him, just don't. I don't want to know. I don't want to have any part in his life and I hope that the same will one day be true for him. It's been 4 months. Move on, grow up. I personally have had more than enough of the drama of the last two years and I don't want any part in it anymore. I just want things to be calm. To be content with what I have and to be ready for whatever comes in the future. I am very hopeful that the near future includes a picnic, because I need a nice relaxing day outside soon. :)

I am beyond frustrated. There's nothing else that I can think to do & I just want it to stop. I get it, I get it. You think I'm a stupid, fat, bitch, whore, whatever. Does it matter at this point??? Just disappear. I can't take this shit anymore. And I really shouldn't have to.

Yay for Kristine coming into town next week. I go through serious withdrawal when I go too long without seeing one of my bestests. It's been a few weeks since I saw Maggie, so I needed another visit right about now :) Damn all of them for living elsewhere though.

Today was apparently a day of telling people to fuck off for the Gunter sisters. Allie Kay quit her job because he was a "typical China man -- condescending, degrading and disrespectful." Um... she worked at a pizza place? I am confused as to her boss' ethnicity. Haha. But she told him where to go and peaced out. I got to tell Jena to go fuck herself because I'm sick of the drama that ALWAYS follows her. And Shannon is just too damn nice to do anything of the sort. Although she strongly approved of and encouraged both events.

I think tomorrow is another get fried at the pool day with Felicia... although I'd prefer a go to the movies day by far. Damn everyone I know for having already seen "The Hangover." Bastards. Dustin wants to go see "Up" this week with his chica, but if I am wasting $10, it is going towards "The Hangover." Sorry, buddy. I'll totally buy the DVD and add it to my animated movie collection once it's released on DVD though. Speaking of which, I received notice that my "Weeds" box set is being shipped from China today... so should see that in a month or so. Haha! I want it NOW. Patience is so not one of my strengths.

Beyond frustrated with a certain "friend" of mine. Why is it that girls are so fucking hard to trust? My bestests = amazing and I trust them with anything and everything and I hope they do the same in return, but other random acquaintance friends... why is it that they have such a tendency to stab you in the back? This girl was supposed to live with me when she was thinking about leaving her husband. We were pretty close, I thought. But she's always loved the drama, the bullshit and the lies and she has the misfortune of working with my ex -- which I discovered has resulted in her saying shit about me to him. I want out of his life 110%. I do not want to see him, talk to him, continue to be harassed by him, etc. But I can't as long as she keeps this shit up. So I guess that means that we can no longer be friends either. Ahhhh. So fucking childish and irritating. But whatever, I'm done.

My Weeds box set has yet to arrive. I am officially depressed. I wanted to sit around watching it all weekend. No such luck there. I am going to rewatch Season 4 today though. Not really in the mood to do much of anything today.

Stole flowers from my mom's garden :) They are beautiful -- haha. I told her that they were beautiful and happy and she said "Just like me!" and I told her that anything that she produces is beautiful and happy, thus the reason that she has 3 amazing daughters. We are cheese balls. Haha.

Boys, men, whatever = the most frustrating gender imaginable.

First, there are the ones who somehow think that they are entitled to you for some reason. Thank you for throwing down $2.75 for my Bud Light (& most likely not leaving a tip, cheap asshole). That does not mean I'm going to chug that real quick and magically become drunk enough to go give you a blow job in the back seat of your 1999 Honda Civic. Hell, you can pay my entire bar tab for the night and I'm still not going there. This is why I typically turn guys down when they offer me a drink, unless I actually am interested in them in some way. I don't want to have to deal with the bullshit that accompanies it. My all-time favorite example of this... well, actually there are two that come to mind. #1 was recently at Win, Place or Show. My friends and I are literally the only girls in the place, we got there late and the place was completely dead. I see this guy... he has to be 6'8", 400+ pounds, bald, cross-eyed. Literally one of the least attractive men who may grace this planet. Naturally, he feels the need to sit next to me. I turn around, facing Felicia and Jess, knowing damn well what is going to happen next. He taps me on the shoulder. I shudder. He offers to buy me a drink. Funny thing is this night I really was not drinking because my stomach was so upset. I bought myself a beer and was struggling with it hardcore. So I tell him that and return to my conversation with my friends. A few minutes go by and he taps me again. He wants to talk. Somehow this guy managed to collect himself four children. Hmm. Yeah, I'm not becoming baby mama #5. He gets pissy and leaves, only to return to ask if his friend can buy me a drink. His friend is more attractive, but apparently English was not his native language. Bad night. And I'm not saying that my friends and I are the most attractive girls on the planet. We could all stand to lose some weight, I could stand to grow 5 inches and cut my hair more than once a year, but these guys didn't have a chance; however, they still somehow felt entitled and actually had the nerve to get pissed off when we blew them off. Okay, #2 involves and Asian guy... can't remember his name, he was honestly saved in my phone as "Asian Guy" for about two years. Why did I have his number? He stole my phone, put his number in and called himself. He proceeded to call me asking if I wanted to fuck him for a solid six months. This kid bought my friend and I a shot at Tabby's. As I took the shot, he actually stuck his hand down my bra. Sure, that's a fair trade. I was wasted and eventually got talked into going outside to talk to him. Apparently, talking involves whipping out his dick in front of the bar. No thank you. Another reason I'm glad I no longer have the phone.

Then there are the guys that are nice enough and you'd be cool with being friends with, but they want to try to kiss you every time you hang out with them. As much as I (along with every other person I know) love hearing how amazing I am, I'm not necessarily going to return the feeling. I wish it were that easy, but the whole being attracted to someone, coming to like and eventually love someone thing takes a little bit of work. I'll be your friend, but that title comes along with hearing who I want to fuck, who I did fuck, etc. If you're in holding some kind of unrequited torch for me, you're probably not going to want to bother. And let's be honest. I have enough friends at this point in my life. I have a hard enough time keeping up with them and finding time to see them and most of them have been in my life since Sophomore year of college, minimum. You don't stand a chance. So stop rubbing my leg or attempting to invite yourself over to watch a movie, because I learned the whole "let's watch a movie" aka let's hookup code when I lost my virginity.

And finally, there are the guys that you actually like. You may like them and they may like you, but you have no clue of knowing, because while all the other guys who are interested are literally whoring themselves in a desperate manner, these guys just chill. Which is probably why we like them to begin with, honestly. No one really cares for a sure thing. The thrill of the chase is enjoyed by many. I get it, but it's fucking confusing. This is always the catagory of guy that I fall for, which is probably why nothing ever happens with the guys I SHOULD like and instead I get overly intoxicated and end up with one of the guys in one of the above-mentioned categories (hello, Dave #1, #2 and #3 [have I mentioned that I refuse to date anyone named Dave/David from now on?], Jud, Kyle, Brian, etc., etc.). The other option, of course, is that they don't like you. In which case, I wish there was some way to know so that they could stop wasting my fucking time.

Oh, wait. There is one more special category for the Bestest. Not that only she has encountered this type, but because it is particularly frustrating. The guy that you start semi-dating aka hanging out with every weekend, sleeping with, having dinners with, etc. You're like a couple, but you're not. Maybe because neither of you is comfortable bringing it up, or the guy is too immature, or he simply got what he wants so he's not going to bother putting a title on it. Anyway, this guy acts like a boyfriend up until a point and then he fucking disappears. No reason. There was no "break up," no fight, nothing to signify that you're over. Maybe he moved on. Maybe he's just busy. Maybe he's a fucking moron and thinks its okay just to disappear for awhile and then show up again whenever it's convenient for him. This kind of guy makes me want to drive down to visit the Bestest so that I can find this guy and give him a nice kick in the balls.

Oliver has returned. Damn cat. I wish these animals could talk because he showed up at my door covered in grass. No explaination. I highly doubt my 3 pound cat is capable of opening the door to get out of the building. He wasn't there when I got home from work at noon, but as soon as I went to put fliers in the laundry room, there he was, just hiding out under the first step by my door. And this is why his middle name is Trouble.

Also, Wes informed me that I am officially a crazy cat lady, as I took a half day to search for my cat. I also took a half day because this week has been too damn long and boring and I couldn't take it anymore though. So now I'm waiting for the mail to get here so I can get my Weeds DVDs from Netflix and head up to my mom's house to do laundry and watch the dogs while she's up in Toledo taking my grandpa to the hospital. I guess they've finally told him that he's dying, which is rough. I think he's in stage 4 kidney failure at this point... he might have another few months, maybe just a few weeks. After this, I'll be down to 2 grandparents out of 6. My diabetic, overweight grandmother is going to out-live everyone. I don't particularly think my step-grandmother counts, as we're not blood. Death has never really scared me at all. For some reason I've always been able to accept the idea of death as necessity a lot easier than I've been able to accept any of the other major life events. I didn't want to get married, ever, until a year ago. I envisioned myself without children up until I had a miscarriage and now I look forward to the day that I'm able to have the whole family package. Only took 23 years to decide that I did want to go down that life path. I always used to want to focus on my career and education. I wanted to buy a cute little house in the country by myself and have everything be MINE. I guess I still don't want a wedding though, so I stayed true to that. Without a doubt I will be eloping. I still want a little house in the country, primarily because I see anything larger as being wasteful and I hate cities. But yeah... death makes sense to me. I've never really been one to cry at funerals, but I do cry at graduations and when people move away. I guess I accept death, but not change?

Gotta go, Allie is demanding that I take her facebook quiz.

I found my ipod last night, lost my kitten today. Somehow this does not seem like a fair trade.

And a specific person is driving me fucking crazy. Not something I want to deal with today or ever.

Apparently the reason that I have yet to get to putting the rest of my clothes away is directly linked to the amount of Dave's shit that I keep finding mixed in. How my folder with wedding & moving planning stuff got mixed into my giant tub of clothing, I do not know. I wish my mom had not taught me at a young age that I do not mix well with fire or anything that is capable of producing fire, because I would totally love to burn that shit. And probably should, since our social security numbers and shit are all over that stuff, but instead I just crossed mine out and let him risk potentially becoming a victim of identity theft... you know, if people are so inclined to climb into dumpsters and dig papers out from the back of my apartment complex.

I also located my old digital camera, so if anyone needs one of those I've got a spare. Hmm. And highlighters and headbands. And awesome CDs.

The only two things that I am unable to locate are very likely in the same place... my ipod and the lightbulbs we bought from IKEA for the lamp in my living room... where the hell could they have gone? I might run out and check my car... because obviously I have not cleaned that out in about 6 months and after moving I left a good amount of shit in there instead of dragging it inside.

I am in love with this month! My favorite roommate from college, Ashley, is probably going to be staying at my apartment on Monday because she's working in Cincy two days in a row and doesn't want to have to make the drive from Columbus two days in a row. Then, on Friday, my best friend from high school gets into town for a whole week+! Most of my close friends have been my friends
literally forever, so I absolutely love getting to see them, since we've all
grown up and drifted our separate ways. Oddly enough, Maggie is my absolute bestest & we've been friends for the least amount of time... although neither of us have been successful in pinning down when exactly we did manage to become friends... we know that we hung out at parties at her house... and that I've "related" at her house more often than I should have (HAHA), but no clue exactly when we became such close friends. Hmm. Actually, maybe Mr. Dustin Marie is my most recent friend... New Year's Eve... 2007? I think? No, it had to have been 2006... oh, hell, I don't know. Sorry, Dustin. I do; however, remember where we met, as I informed you when we passed it on the way to the wedding the other weekend. So my memory isn't complete shit. Thank you again for forcing me to sleep on the floor with no blanket when I was deathly ill that night while you enjoyed the couch. You did offer me your leather coat, but you stole that when you woke up in the morning, leaving me freezing and miserable. You have since redeemed yourself though, so it's okay.

I keep hearing rumors that we might start loaning again soon at work. I cannot wait for that day! I miss actually closing and funding loans.

I cannot wait for my classes for this summer to start. I'm taking Crime & Gender and Crime & the Life Course, both which are the most exciting classes of the whole program in my opinion. I've been leaning more towards wanting to do something involving domestic violence, women criminals, or crimes against children after graduation rather than Homeland Security... I'm just not entirely sure how to go about finding positions available in that category... kind of a drastic change from the financial services industry, insurance and real estate.

My shoulders and the tip of my forehead have blisters from this weekend's sun exposure. Not cute. Mom had me ask Les to pick up some Coppertone or Banana Boat from his company store this month so that I can stop repeatedly resembling a lobster. Too bad he already went for this week and stocked up on tampons, razors, Wet Ones & batteries. PS. If you would please purchase products from Playtex, Energizer, Wet Ones, Coppertone, Banana Boat and Schick it would be much appreciated as the sales of the product directly effect his bonus at the end of each year, which happens to come in December aka the happiest time of the year: my birthday and Christmas. Now we all know that 25 is a very important birthday, it being the quarter century mark and all, so I am expecting a very nice present this year. The year that I didn't ask for anything, my parents bought me a flat screen TV, so I am crossing my fingers that I get something equally awesome. Maybe a bed to go underneath of my mattress? And a dresser. I would like one of those, since oddly enough I never had one growing up (my dad thought that putting boxes in the closet for underwear and socks was good enough -- just another reason why he is a crazy bastard). Please assist me in achieving my present obtaining goal by buying lots of his products.

I have become oddly obsessed with Theory of a Deadman in the last few days and it creeps me out. A lot.

I decided to delete everything from the past & start fresh.
It’s June. How is that possible? From February to April I didn’t think I could possibly survive living on my own – no roommates or boyfriend/fiancé to come home to each night or to help with the bills. I think I adapted to the quietness fairly quickly. The increase in bills still throws me off every other paycheck, but luckily I have student loans and the world’s greatest parents to help me by with that. I should have no problem staying in this apartment for a full two years minimum, thank God. Since high school graduation I have moved from home to the dorms, back home, into the Delta Gamma house, into 18A Lancaster, then back home again, then down to the devil apartment in Clifton, back home again, into the Orchards and finally into the Pines. Six years… way too many moves. I’m ready to settle down for a bit and make my apartment feel like it’s actually my home. This one very much does feel like my home too. I love that everything is mine, instead of a random assortment of roommate’s belongings. Half of it may be hand-me-downs from friends and family, but it’s mine now, bitches. I think one of my favorite things about no longer having Meagan, Chad, or Dave living with me is that my apartment is now always clean. Sure, I still have to finish putting my clothes away in my room, but that’s just how I am – I find things easier when they’re on the floor. Everything else though is spotless. I’m not shoving whole chicken breasts down the sink like the fatties did, nor am I smoking in the apartment leaving a god awful smell or letting the devil dog shit anywhere and everywhere like Dave always did. I am not a roommate person. It’s official. I loved getting to spend more time with Dave than I would have if he had continued to live at his mother’s since our schedules were completely opposite and I loved having someone to sleep next to each night, but I hated that he never paid for anything or put any effort at all into cleaning. I hated how inconsiderate he was of the fact that I need to get up early for work each morning and how he would never call when he went to the bar after work, which would result in me sitting up all night, worried sick that he got another D.U.I. or worse. I think the bad parts ultimately outweighed the good parts and I am proud of myself for FINALLY putting an end to his shit for good and going psycho bitch on him and throwing all of his shit on the front porch. Overly dramatic, yes, but I needed to do something to get him out of my life for good. I think I have a tendency to forget that I dumped him, not the other way around. I didn’t necessarily want to dump him, but circumstances came to be such that I really felt like I had no choice. There’s only so much you can rationalize and only so much you can put up with. The lying, cheating and general disrespect when I did so fucking much for him just demonstrated how much of a waste of life asshole he was and always would be. If someone isn’t around to take care of him, he gets himself in a shitload of trouble and for two years I would always take him back so that I could take care of him (I’m the oldest of 6 – I love to take care of people and to plan things, it’s just the way I am). I’m free now & I love that.
So aside from that, from living alone and being single, really, truly, no going back single for the first time in far too long this whole year has been bizarre. Literally kicking off the year with a miscarriage, beginning my Master’s program, quitting my job, followed shortly thereafter with the realization that I would not be moving to Florida and would not be getting married in March of 2010, begging for my job back, getting a nice raise, freaking out because I couldn’t afford any of the apartments that I was looking at, finally settling on being significantly poorer each month to live where I currently live, having far too much drama and ridiculousness result from breaking up/getting back together with Dave, finally blocking him from being able to talk to me at all, rediscovering how important and amazing my friends and family are, getting through the first and now second quarter of grad school, taking and retaking the GRE without realizing that I didn’t need to take it again, going to New Orleans for work and Knoxville to celebrate Maggie’s graduation with Holly and Maggie, watching my second youngest brother graduate (I cried multiple times, I am lame), seeing my little sister’s best friend get married, learning that my best friends are getting houses with their boyfriends, getting married, planning on divorcing, etc., being sick, constantly, and in general just finding out how to exist as just me and how to be happy with that… it’s been a long, busy, hard six month period. And probably one of the greatest time periods in my life, just because I managed to do that. I’m lucky. I’m definitely headed in the right direction as far as my life goals go. I may not be there yet, but I’m happy, I’m growing up, becoming more responsible and slightly more domestic and I know that things always seem to work out as they should and everything truly does happen for a reason. And I’m looking forward to the rest of the year – particularly to getting to hang out with Kristine when she comes in town in a week and a half and flying out to D.C. to visit her and Randy and to visiting Nikki and Derrick at their new house up North. Oh, and saving up for Vegas with everyone next February.
On a slightly random final note, I think I’m going to stop going to Tabby’s. I’m sick of the drama that is associated with it (although I will miss hearing the fun gossip associated with the place), it’s too far from my apartment to really be worthwhile, and I kind of hate most of the people who go there at this point (with the few exceptions [primarily the employees] who I will always love). Plus, when I’m not there I tend to drink a lot less… while I used to go there practically every day after work, I now usually only go out once a week and sometimes have a bottle of wine at my place that I drink throughout the week. For the most part I’ve stopped doing shots – not because I wanted to, but because with my stomach being the way it currently is, it’s not worth the consequences. Oh & happy hours. I do love my happy hours. But what kind of Happy Hour Coordinator would I be if I didn’t? But yeah, no more Tabby’s… and that is that.